Author: JP

Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Dear XXXX –

It is with mixed feelings that I officially resign my position as XXXX. Mixed because I can’t quite decide between elation and relief.

As you’re well aware, the quality of life for the operations team has steadily declined since the beginning of XXXX. This is due in part to having a team leader who begrudgingly took the wheel after being rejected for other positions within the company he is even less suitable for. As a result we have spent a whole year bending and adapting to the needs of the sales force with no real strategy as to how that would affect our team, or perhaps worse, without caring how it would affect our team. IT feels as though we’re constantly catering to their requirements, but should we voice concerns over how much of our time will be wasted or how our already bulging workload will increase, we’re greeted with the smile and nods of people who can’t hear us over the roar of money.

Much like a teenage girl being introduced to vodka for the first time, this company has adopted a “can we do it” not “should we do it” philosophy that has left us wildly flailing around in a weak attempt to find stability. Rather than manage campaigns, our time is spent deciphering Insertion Orders. Instead of optimization, we’re explaining our products to the people who have already sold them. While the operations team is under staffed, we still find money to hire Sales Coordinators whose only role seems to be walking three steps over to use and parroting the word-for-word requests of the Sales Execs that sit directly next to us. Rhetoric like “that’s the nature of the beast” is no longer cutting it. Beasts can be tamed. Beasts can fetch your slippers, if only you take the time to make it happen. I hope you’re afforded that opportunity.

Simply put, I no longer feel that this is the right place for me. I apologize if the tone of this letter seems antagonistic, it is merely meant to highlight the flats of this office and illustrate the frustrations I experience. I certainly hope things get better for this team. I just don’t see it happening soon enough for me.

I used to think Groundhog Day was a comedy. It is now a terrifying documentary in my eyes.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in changing this team into what it could be. It won’t be easy, but nothing of worth ever is, except sandwiches. Sandwiches are simple and great.

Warm and fuzzy regards,

XXXX

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Dear XXXX –

I saw your email. Don’t worry, I’m not mad. I can see why you would think I’m “inconsistent” and “not much of a team player.” I mean, that time I covered for your girlfriend when she had an emergency? Total selfish of me….and let’s not forget the fact that I only called out sick two times in the past 4 years…how inconsistent of me! So yeah, I get it. I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s life, eh? I’m sure this store will be much better off without me. Good luck with everything.

XXXX

PS. I’m not coming in tomorrow, because fuck you.

Monday, February 1, 2021

Dear Ms. XXXXX –

Let me first start by saying, I have always admired how your professional demeanor in the office ironically correlates with your surname. Being said, I would have given you a two weeks resignation notice. However, over the years I have watched you immediately terminate employees after they give you their two weeks resignation letter. Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to present my resignation letter to you effective immediately.

You have always said I should be more proactive and take more initiative, so I’m sure you won’t mind me taking this initiative and beating you to the punch. How I see it, I’m saving you the trouble of thinking up of some devious accusation to terminate my employment and tarnishing my good name in this unethical corporate world. Now, I don’t expect you to care about my well being because you don’t even care about your own children or your spouse. That’s why you rather spend most of your time in your office after hours pretending to do the company’s work.

By the way, I know after you read the first paragraph, your little conniving calculating brain had already thought up of a devious plan to spit me with. Keep in mind, I don’t need you at this point for a letter of recommendation. Your secretary, who is seeing your husband behind your back has already taken care of that for me. You should have paid more attention to all the documents your secretary made you sign in the past week. Your husband filed for divorce weeks ago unknown to you and your secretary made you sign your divorce papers. She also made you sign over all your rights to your house, children, money, and other assets. Well, I bid you farewell and hope you found this letter as amusing as everyone else in the office will.

Sincerely,

XXXX

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Dear XXXX –

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain ever little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still give you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

XXXX